Do you stare at what people are reading on the subway, or at the beach, and make judgments about them?
I do.
And so the other night, when the rabbi came by to give a class in memory of my husband’s father, I panicked as he stared at my packed bookcase.
From across the room, I watched and, funnily enough, prayed that the shelf at eye level held books that wouldn’t reveal too much about me.
I’m guilty of assuming things about people based on what they’re reading. I conjure up different ideas depending on if they’re reading the Wall Street Journal or The Post, James Patterson or Alice Munro.
I imagine I know something about them.
But do I?
Is it possible that we come to conclusions that are wrong, entirely made up?
I’ve been thinking about this recently because a friend of mine Googled my blog post Dating After 50.
Shortly after, her new boyfriend asked to use her computer and that search appeared in her history. She worried he’d misunderstand and think she was still interested in dating other men.
Apparently, Google history is the new medicine cabinet.
I’ve worried what people might think if they saw my Google history. It’s frightening!
I do a lot of research online for blog posts and even for my fiction writing. There are searches for the most unusual of human behaviors and illnesses. Someone could definitely get the wrong idea.
So as the rabbi scanned my shelf, I felt exposed, as if he were reading my diary— all my interests, attempts at self-improvement and my personal journey, lined up on the shelves.
I kept calm by reminding myself the books were on a bookcase in my den, a public spot that my children, and their friends, could see.
And, I thought: I scan other people’s shelves. Isn’t that the point?
But this was different; this was an orthodox rabbi, a conservative man. And there was nothing of value to him there— no Chumash, no Sedur, no Midrash. (Those books, unfortunately, were at stomach level.)
When the rabbi left, I walked over to the bookcase, looking at the spot where I imagined his eyes had landed. I was hoping he’d seen some classic fiction, The Grapes of Wrath, or something from when I was in education, The Art of Teaching Writing, or even something acknowledging my spiritual journey like Eat, PRAY, Love. (Pray being the operative word.)
But nope.
He saw Naked by David Sedaris.
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.
And I kid you not—
Women, Sex, and Addiction by Charlotte Kasl.
Let me explain!!
Addiction has been an interest of mine.
As of June 1, 2015, it was reported that 40 million Americans age 12 and over met the criteria for addiction. And an estimated additional 80 million people in this country were risky substance users.
And because addiction seemed to permeate much of life, my life—friends and extended family members were affected—I was interested.
I read Pia Melody’s, Facing Codependence, and Melody Beattie’s, Codependent No More.
I wrote about addiction in Monkey See, Monkey Do.
And for a while, I wanted to go back to school, get a degree in psychology and specialize in Addiction.
“Oops,” I said, to my husband.
I showed him Ernest Hemingway’s The Garden of Eden. “This one’s good,” I said, laughing at the absurdity of it all.
Maybe it’s age.
Maybe (finally) it’s confidence.
Or (ironically) it’s faith.
But I was ready to let go of worrying about the assumptions the rabbi might make.
Still, I was glad we recently moved this upstairs.
well , I do believe we are what we read,,,,and I happen to keep reading feverishly.On Friday I prepare what I want to read for Shabbat.Sometimes I will read entire books ,,,or skim 5 or 6 books on Saturday.
we are the sum of the five people we are closest to, so be as careful with whom you hang out with as much as with what you read.
remember ,no 2 people are alike so every book affects them differently.
Even rereading a book a year later, one person will absorb it as 2 different people.
Have a great read! Linda From Brooklyn http://www.LindaFromBrooklyn.com
Learning is a gift!
Thanks for the morning laugh 😊
🙂
I loved your story.
I had a few events in my home recently & found myself taking down many of my beach, vacation, bikini pictures, that used to be displayed! So I can definitely relate.
Many times when we are away on a vacation, we make up a whole story about certain couples and families, then we meet them& they are nothing like what we assumed!!!!
Being judgemental is my greatest character flaw, and something I find impossible to overcome. It’s almost impossible not to judge someone based on their name, appearance, manner of speaking or occupation. Our sub conscious and pre conceived notions are always at work. The book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell speaks about how quickly we decide whether or not we like someone or not, and how accurate our instincts are.
physical appearance and the way a person speaks, can speak volumes about a person and yet can also be very misleading. Google search histories and personal bookshelves would also be a portal into ones interests but not into ones soul. To truly get to know the essence and soul of a person requires much more.
Take a look at the YouTube link above in the comments section and see how inaccurate we might be in our assumptions.
I definately think age makes us grow and think differently. I agree with what you said about confidence and faith! Most importantly I live by one rule: I never judge anybody!! Keep writing, I love reading your work.
Thanks Wendy! And thanks for this comment too! We could all benefit from less judgement.
There r so many "silent" ways we reveal ourselves…..n, many times, with no opportunity to explain or clarify…..
I agree. And maybe….
We shouldn’t feel the need to.
Great post, Corie! I feel your angst!
And I adore your piece of art!
Thanks Pam! So glad you’re finding it easier to comment on this site. Missed hearing from you during that time!
sadly my book shelves tell the story of a life long dieter,art lover..
And you are sooooo much more…
Interesting piece,
This social experiment is sure to give you a laugh!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFxu9dOO4zk
This is really funny!
Loved this! I always check out what a person is reading, and when it’s something I read, I can’t hold back. I’ll ask if they like it, what they’re up to, what they thought of certain parts, etc., just assuming we are bff’s and they want nothing more than to talk to me. Recently, my son informed me that the guy I was doing it to on the plane (He was reading Game of Thrones: A Dance with Dragons – I mean, I felt we were practically family!) was being "tortured" and just wanted to be left alone…
Maybe he hates Game of Thrones but his girlfriend was "making" him read it. You never know…