For the last week my inbox has been flooded with unusual emails.

VERICOSE VEIN REMOVAL

OVERACTIVE BLADDER

PERMANENT DENTURES

REVERSE HEARING LOSS

SIGNS OF HEART ATTACK

You’d think it would be SENIOR LIVING that put me over the top but it wasn’t. It was AFFORDABLE FUNERAL SERVICES .

Someone thinks I’m 85!

How does that happen?

I also received BEST ANXIETY MEDS, DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS and, believe it or not, GUNSMITH TRAINING.

Even though I don’t understand how topics are tracked in cyberspace, I have researched and written about those last three subjects and so those at least make sense.

(Full disclosure: my Google history is frightening.)

My identity has been a problem in the past. People often think because of my gender-neutral name I’m male. So, again I am used to waking, as I did a few days ago, to HOT COLUMBIAN GIRLS: Columbian women looking for good men.

But the fact that somebody in computerland thinks I’m the parent of a senior citizen is inexplicable and it really bugs me.

Maybe things will turn around because this morning I got HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.

My kids swear I get all this junk mail because I’m still using AOL. I do have a Gmail account I’m just too lazy or loyal to switch.

I’d heard that people judge you negatively, maybe less professionally, if you have an AOL account but that sounded silly to me until I told the maitre d' at a restaurant my email address and she said, “AOL? Wow. I haven’t heard that in a while. Vintage.” I was lucky to get a table.

But here’s the good news: Somebody in internetville is reading my blog. They must’ve seen the picture of the empty toilet paper holder in When To Clean House because, I kid you not, I just got HIRE MAIDS.